CACTUS FLOWER (49)

Directed by: Gene Saks (1969)

Starring: Walter Matthau, Ingrid Bergman, Goldie Hawn, Rick Lenz

The Pitch: Middle-aged dentist tells his young mistress that he's married to avoid getting too involved - and must ask his starchy secretary to pose as his wife when the mistress demands proof.

Theo Sez: "Tell me what she said" ; "It's not what she said. It's more what she didn't say" ; "Well then, tell me what she didn't say - word for word!". Broadway comedy can be painful when it's not written by Neil Simon (and even when it is), but this one is especially trying, mixing the usual prurient view of human relations with arbitrary character motivations that could only have passed muster with the after-dinner crowd. Why, one may wonder, does Bergman not get closer to Matthau after she mistakenly thinks he's bought her a mink coat? (Answer : so she can turn into a woman-about-town instead, flouncing around with the mink wrapped around her, in a scene that makes such a big deal of a middle-aged woman having fun it's actually a little sad.) Why does Matthau still try to pretend he's married at the end - saying his wife won't give him the divorce and can they please go back to the way they were - when telling the truth would clearly make more sense? (Answer : so Goldie can end up with Rick Lenz as the next-door hippy who's her own age, thereby punishing dirty-old-man Matthau even though it's just spent 90 minutes tacitly condoning him.) Jokes about hippies clearly dated, hippy himself just a nice boy (a struggling writer, natch) ; kind of depressing in the way it's geared so clearly at middle-aged marrieds - probably the kind where the husband fools around just like Matthau in the movie, but takes the little woman to the theatre as a consolation-prize - though you also have to wonder where that audience is today (actually you don't ; they're at home, watching TV). Bright lines here and there, plus Jack Weston at his slimiest, but it's hardly vintage stuff, and the stars look tired ; no wonder Goldie upstaged them - though in truth she's a bit too strident - to the tune of a Best Supporting Oscar.