SLIDING DOORS (44)

Directed by: Peter Howitt

Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, John Hannah, John Lynch

The Pitch: A woman's life goes down two separate paths, depending on whether she catches or misses a subway train.

Theo Sez: The same mix of literate, slightly mannered wit and mild, slightly artificial naughtiness as in FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL - and it even kicks off, like that film, with the hero(ine) late for an appointment and muttering expletives under his / her breath. The transitions are adroit and the premise, if not entirely original, is at least unusual enough (even in this rather undeveloped form) to hold the attention ; yet the result is so intensely irritating I can barely even attempt rational discussion. It's not just the trendy male-bashing, women portrayed as "fascinating and a little bit scary" while men are invariably insensitive assholes (down to the minor roles, like Lynch's mate at the pub or Paltrow's barely-glimpsed employers at the beginning) ; it's not just the incessantly glib humour, airbrushing a 'heavy' scene with an easy laugh ("I thought you didn't even like Elton John"), reminiscent in its emphasis on drinking games and Monty Python of student gabblings in the campus bar ; it's not just the personification of Mr. Right in one of those preternaturally chirpy people you (or at least I) could cheerfully strangle after five minutes (though of course, being a man, he's also sneaky and mendacious) ; above all it's the jittery, enervated tone that runs through it, characters constantly apologising or dithering, unable to decide ("You go ... No, I'll go ... No, you" ; "Don't tell me, I'm not interested ... No, do tell me, I am interested") : it's no doubt meant to be charming, but even FOUR WEDDINGS didn't have everyone behaving like Hugh Grant all the time. The result is like a Woody Allen comedy played in the overbearingly manic style of Robin Williams, clever lines overheated to a brittle babble ; and, of course (inescapably, given its belief in a chance-governed universe), more than a little pointless.